Free.

Letting go. Why is it so hard? I already know the answer in my heart, can someone make it happen in my head?

I remember when I had to forgive someone, but absolutely, positively, did NOT want to. I am sorry to say, I wanted them to be hurt just like they had hurt me. It’s terrible, sometimes, a vicious circle. Why would that make me feel better anyway? It wouldn’t, plain and simple. It really wouldn’t make me feel better. I would still feel empty. There’s a hole in me that should be filled. I need to fill it, yes, me, no one else can fill the emptiness. Most days, I can! I have no problem filling my days with endless things to do list, especially during the school year. It’s when I have down time, or when it gets dark and it is time for alone time again. I’m with myself all the time! Why do I need alone time? Because I want to be happy being alone. Talking to a friend of mine the other night he said, I hate being alone. All the time he was alone. Don’t get me wrong, I can be alone and not have my world crashing down. Just certain times it gets me worse than other times. Do what makes me, me. Yes, I am experiencing alone, down time right now. I figured writing about it might make me feel better.

This past week I have had incredible energy days, just incredible. Like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. But now, not so much. I am sure I have some kind of personality disorder, but I couldn’t tell you what it is. A former doctor of mine classified it as bipolar disorder. He prescribed medicine. I choose not to take it, why? I explained to Dee tonight. Because I don’t want to miss those incredible high days. The medicine makes everything even, balanced. No highs, no lows. I can do without the lows, but I certainly crave those highs! Here I am writing about addictions again. *insert eye rolling emoji here*

I just want to experience free. It’s my own mind that keeps me captive, I need to control it. I think I am free when those incredible energy days are here, I need more of those days to string together. Yes, more, many more. At least I am having more and more, I want to be free again! Anyway, it’s happening. It is a different kind of strong. He we go.

I hope some of you understand what I am trying to say. I reposted a meme today that describes me exactly. “Please be patient with me. I am either losing my mind or finding my soul.” I am finding my soul for sure, I can feel it.

Have a great night and thanks for reading!