Author: joysha2@aol.com

Hello my lovelies!!! I haven’t been on for a long while! Ok, here we go.

So, I am at the gym, after all, summer WILL eventually get here, I think. I sure hope so because that is one thing I am counting on. I hope it’s a long, drawn out, heated, hot as hell, sweating, working summer. Like the old days summer.

I am done my workout, (actually worked up a sweat), go to the lobby to leave and it is pouring rain, a downpour, heavy, big raindrops. People are standing under the awning on their phones complaining for someone to come pick them up. So, I go on my phone, send a snap of the downpour and continue to listen to my music in my ears, in fact, I turn it up. I think, it’s only rain, I won’t melt, I can do this, it’s easy! My car is only right there. I walk into the rain and it feels fabulous. Yes, those big drops on my head, so I start skipping, dancing, even twirling in the puddles. It sure felt fun. I know people where staring at me thinking she is crazy. I was thinking they must be crazy not joining in! It was just fun. Pure fun. Dancing in the rain.

As I sit here with wet hair dripping onto my floor, I think, thanks God. I loved that. It was so freeing, so enjoyable. I wasn’t worrying about anything at those given moments. That really was some good ole self care for me and I loved it. The rain has died down for now and I have to go put the trash out. I wish it was still raining heavily… thanks God, that was totally awesome. Such a great feeling, I hope to feel it again soon.

Time for nightgown and slippers. Good night friends. Sending love and joy to all.

They can be little and white, or deep and dark. But they all have to be kept, because if they aren’t, they lose their meaning.

I used to think and know that I didn’t have any secrets. My mom always taught me always to tell the truth, and don’t lie because the truth will always come out, and she was right! My experience with lies was quick and learned. She always knew if I was telling the truth or not. I think it actually gave me that “knowing” instinct. I feel like I can see through someone lying to me just by a feeling. Do you have that feeling too? It is more prevalent sometimes, but it is there. I wish people would just tell me the truth, it makes life so much easier and pleasing, you know, less stressful. That way, you don’t have to remember the lies you told. And, as a Virgo sign, I pay close attention to details of all kinds and I will remember just because I think and imagine something being told to me.

As I’ve grown older, I feel I have more secrets. Mostly they are of feelings I have for other people. I want to be nice and not hurt someone’s feelings so I tell a little white lie, but it really is a secret that I don’t want to tell. I do have deep, dark secrets, but I am not about to tell them here… they are mine! Don’t worry, they aren’t that interesting, only to me. I like to forget about them so they aren’t on my mind. They aren’t earth shattering either, well, maybe to me. I don’t want you all to think I am a liar, it is all emotional stuff that I keep inside. No worries! Please don’t hate me! If you do, please do they courtesy of telling me a little white lie and keep my secrets. Thanks!

Have a great night and thanks for taking the time to read!

Never mind, I can do it myself. If you know me, you know asking for help is not my cup of tea. https://joycesjargon.org/2020/08/18/accept-the-help/ Sometimes, we need to do it for ourself. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need to learn it for myself so I can remember how it feels to not know something, figure out how to do it, then get it done. What a feeling of accomplishment! I really thought “how can I do this? it’s so hard!” But guess what? The answer is out there. I promise. In fact, I guarantee it. A counselor I used to speak with called me a problem solver. I liked that label. I felt good inside for him to notice that about me. It lead me to think, yes, I am a problem solver! That’s super cool. That is mostly my teaching philosophy. I try to get my kids, first, to WANT to figure something out, make a plan, then execute the plan. Wow! Just feel it! It’s a great feeling. Feels great inside, and I don’t know about you, but I love it when I feel great inside, I think it’s what makes my heart pump.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have had the time. After surgery, I was ordered to “rest” and “heal” by not doing anything! That is impossible! My whole life is doing something! It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having a baby was easier. Although I struggled through it, it has seriously opened my eyes to things I needed to learn about myself, it was truly the hardest thing ever! But guess what? I am back and I am loving it! Also, closing out the end of the school year always helps me to feel at the top of my game. This year was hard, really hard, but I did it! AND, I’m still in one piece! That’s another blog title.

Have a fabulous night! You deserve it! Thank you so much for reading.

joyce

No, this isn’t a commercial for Heinz ketchup. It’s getting hard to hope and what I am hoping for isn’t coming true. People think teachers are patient. I don’t consider myself patient at all. My dad and mom always taught me that if I wanted something, work for it until it comes true. I am also a very resourceful girl. If I want something, or need something done, I will do it. Whatever it takes. That’s when it gets me in trouble, I just can’t seem to wait and hope for it to happen on its own, I always have to put my two cents in and try to force it NOW. I am NOT a patient teacher.

I am starting to think part of the problem is what I am hoping for. I think I want it but the more I think about it, it just might not be what I want. I imagine it coming true and I think, na, I don’t want to do that again. The phrase, “Been there, done that” comes to mind. I want to add, “not again.”

I don’t know if you can feel it, but I am talking in circles trying not to say what I want to say. I just don’t want it out there yet, because maybe it will happen and I am not ready for it. The universe is definitely taking me for a ride. I can feel this incredible energy around me almost everyday now. I have been rebuilding myself and I can seriously feel it. My light is being exposed again, you know, that high on life thing. I will just stick with it and see what happens I guess. Very hard for me to do. Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. Have a great night!

joyce

Letting go. Why is it so hard? I already know the answer in my heart, can someone make it happen in my head?

I remember when I had to forgive someone, but absolutely, positively, did NOT want to. I am sorry to say, I wanted them to be hurt just like they had hurt me. It’s terrible, sometimes, a vicious circle. Why would that make me feel better anyway? It wouldn’t, plain and simple. It really wouldn’t make me feel better. I would still feel empty. There’s a hole in me that should be filled. I need to fill it, yes, me, no one else can fill the emptiness. Most days, I can! I have no problem filling my days with endless things to do list, especially during the school year. It’s when I have down time, or when it gets dark and it is time for alone time again. I’m with myself all the time! Why do I need alone time? Because I want to be happy being alone. Talking to a friend of mine the other night he said, I hate being alone. All the time he was alone. Don’t get me wrong, I can be alone and not have my world crashing down. Just certain times it gets me worse than other times. Do what makes me, me. Yes, I am experiencing alone, down time right now. I figured writing about it might make me feel better.

This past week I have had incredible energy days, just incredible. Like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. But now, not so much. I am sure I have some kind of personality disorder, but I couldn’t tell you what it is. A former doctor of mine classified it as bipolar disorder. He prescribed medicine. I choose not to take it, why? I explained to Dee tonight. Because I don’t want to miss those incredible high days. The medicine makes everything even, balanced. No highs, no lows. I can do without the lows, but I certainly crave those highs! Here I am writing about addictions again. *insert eye rolling emoji here*

I just want to experience free. It’s my own mind that keeps me captive, I need to control it. I think I am free when those incredible energy days are here, I need more of those days to string together. Yes, more, many more. At least I am having more and more, I want to be free again! Anyway, it’s happening. It is a different kind of strong. He we go.

I hope some of you understand what I am trying to say. I reposted a meme today that describes me exactly. “Please be patient with me. I am either losing my mind or finding my soul.” I am finding my soul for sure, I can feel it.

Have a great night and thanks for reading!

maybe it’s my impatience. maybe i taught her so well, i let it leave me and go into her…

i feel like i have the right way but when i go to do it, it doesn’t work! do i need to do some MORE (my shift key DOES work, i just choose not to use it) tries or what?

this is the just babbling post you might miss, love you all and thanks for listening to me! think of me as robin williams reaching out for help before his final days…

this is really just a test to see what i pay for works, y’all know what i mean

Complicated yet simple. So many degrees, levels, types. Between mother and daughter, father and son, friend and friend, man and woman, person and pet! All different, yet the same.

I want to write about love, but now that I’m here to write about it, I can’t decide where to start, maybe I’ll try the beginning. My heart is filled with love. I always feel great when I give it away, but I don’t feel so great when I don’t receive it. How am I searching for it when I have so much? Maybe I’m addicted.

Never have I felt it like I have in the past two days or so. I had a major surgery. I’m feeling alone. Not lonely, but alone. Some friends came by, they’ve texted, messaged, commented, called. I am so thankful, I felt the love. But yet in the silence of the house, I find myself reaching for my phone to see if I missed something. It’s really a drug. I think it’s the dopamine or something. The only way I can think of getting more is giving it away. Love really makes this world a better place to live.

Thank you to everyone who has thought of me, said a quick prayer, called, texted, commented on a post, sent me something (of which I was so happy and surprised!) , thank you. Thank you so very much. You are my filler of love. You are filling my bucket. I only hope I can return it.

Thank you Dierdre, Kathy, and Kima for special. Thank you for taking the extra step to make sure I felt the love. I love you! I am so glad I have it to share with my “people,” including my babies at school, where the street goes both ways. Spread the love people! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Did I say thank you?

Different levels. Different types. Different reasons. It can be suffocating or liberating. It’s just so dam character building I guess. Another word was in my mind but I’m a lady so I won’t write it.

Heat and pressure of Earth’s gravity create a diamond. When an irritant makes it’s way into an oyster, the oyster fights back the pressure to smooth it over and create a lustrous pearl. I am hoping I am a gem inside because all this pressure drives me to new levels of prayer.

I am just looking forward to the day when that deep breath in yoga feels even better. I can see beyond the troubles. I have just recently gone through a divorce, one that I had to paid for, my daughter is getting married Thursday, my mom’s dementia gets worse every week and I still have the pressures of teaching my second grade angels in North Philly, during a pandemic. Traffic, clean house, gym, bike ride (in which I TOTALLY LOVE) , oh, and by the way, I have been diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I read somewhere that it is very common and they seem to have a handle on the fix. Doesn’t sound like I’ll need chemo. So, I got that going for me. Oh, and my ex husband wants to throw more into the mix by washing and shredding our stimulus check. *insert eye rolling emoji here*.

I’ve had enough please. I am strong. I get it. I will get through it. God only gives me what I can handle. I can lift a Buick. I am a badass. I get it. Please be done with me now. I oughta be a diamond now, or at least a pearl. There must be a reason.

I love you. Have a great night and thanks for listening.

joyce

This might be a hard one to read. I haven’t written in so long and a million thoughts are running through my head right now. A lot has happened in my life since last time I’ve written. But, I told myself, y’all probably know how I feel, jumbled, so I might as well write.

First thing, is I got divorced. Officially, and legally. When I was younger, everyone used to say, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Now, you know what everyone says when I tell them? “Congratulations!” It isn’t supposed to be a happy time I thought, but it is. Don’t get me wrong, I was married and it was a marriage. We just weren’t going the same way, we wanted different things, and instead of staying together unhappily, I’m glad he left so we could both be happier. And, I used to feel like a failure, but I’m really not. I tried the very best I could and it wasn’t good enough… so off to be good enough! For me! I am good enough for me! And coincidently, it feels great! It really is too bad we couldn’t make it work, he didn’t want to, I offered to, but it will never work if only one person is trying, so here I am, off to be good enough!

Sometimes freedom comes with many things. Yes, you are freed from something but another thing just might come into the picture that might enslave you again. Don’t let it! I chose to return to dating sites, because as you all who know me, know I am typically an outgoing, fun, talkative, eccentric person to know. And with the pandemic, we definitely have to use different means of meeting someone. I figured out that I am not “in the market” for a husband. I seriously would just be happy to find a good friend to hang with. I was involved with someone awhile back and like a fool, I kinda fell in love with him, but again, he didn’t want that. I’m glad we are still friends and not enemies with a bad breakup. We still remain to be very close friends. He understood that going through a divorce is tough, and he was there to listen to me. I am kinda cute though, I can’t believe he didn’t fall under my spell… of course I am just kidding…

So, I really don’t know where I am going with this, I think my purpose was to just announce it officially on the blog and Facebook, social media, to make it REALLY official, not because a judge signed it! (I don’t know how to insert the crazy laugh emoji here)

I really am loving life right now and whatever God throws at me, He will help me handle it I am sure. I can feel the joy bubbling up again…

Have a great night everyone! Love, love, love you! Oh, and SPRING IS COMING, I KNOW IT!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

COVID. Crap. I am so sick of it. I don’t care if it’s made me a better person. I’m good now. Just the worry and wondering was enough to drive me crazy. Definitely teaching myself to give up and let go. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll deal with it then. I can’t stand the power of other people in my life. I need to stop letting them have power over me. From normal everyday interactions at the grocery store, to nurses holding my test results from me until they are ready to tell me. No one holds that power but me. Time to take the reigns back. I’ve had enough of a break, I like it better knowing what’s going on. From all the new friends I’ve met in the past six months, I thank you. From Delaware to New York City…. I love you all for the things you’ve taught me! Finished. DONE. Watch out, I’m coming back better than ever.

(Oh, btw, my COVID test was negative)