Half Empty? or Half full?

I don’t know what to write. I just feel empty. I don’t understand why my brother’s death is effecting me this way. I feel sad, deep down. When my dad died, I was sad, but it just didn’t effect me the same way this is. Maybe it’s because my dad lived a long life? He died of natural causes? My brother was too young, and it was a terrible, sudden death. Maybe that’s what I’m having trouble with.

I went to a Grief Share group last night at my church. It was good. I always feel like I am a Debbie Downer when I talk about him. These people listened and heard me. They felt what I am feeling. They lost their sons, daughters, husbands and wives. Their stories were sad, they were missing their person so much, after years too. Maybe I am experiencing my numbness still. It’s still fresh in my mind. It’s only been two weeks, I am too hard on myself.

It has made some changes in my life. I make sure to call my mom whenever I feel like it, only when I think she is sleeping I won’t. During the group last night, they showed a video of people that were constantly asking themselves questions like they could have stopped the death. Such as “What if I hadn’t let her go out that night?” “Maybe I should have called the doctor sooner? Then she wouldn’t have died!” I do realize that our days are numbered. There is nothing we can do to change that. It will happen when it is supposed too, I just have to make the best of my time now with the people I love. It is so cliche’ but it is true. I stop and think what I am doing more now. Except with the kids, things are running to fast the week before Halloween… but I’m trying. If it wasn’t for those kids of mine (and the parents who have been very sympathetic which touches my heart) I would really be running on empty! The kids are really off the wall this week, but somehow, I manage. I am too busy at work to stop and think about my brother, Brian. I need a picture of him on my desk to stop and realize my days are numbered with my kids too.

Have a good night everyone, I hope I didn’t “down” anyone! Go enjoy some time with your loved ones….