Month: May 2021

No, this isn’t a commercial for Heinz ketchup. It’s getting hard to hope and what I am hoping for isn’t coming true. People think teachers are patient. I don’t consider myself patient at all. My dad and mom always taught me that if I wanted something, work for it until it comes true. I am also a very resourceful girl. If I want something, or need something done, I will do it. Whatever it takes. That’s when it gets me in trouble, I just can’t seem to wait and hope for it to happen on its own, I always have to put my two cents in and try to force it NOW. I am NOT a patient teacher.

I am starting to think part of the problem is what I am hoping for. I think I want it but the more I think about it, it just might not be what I want. I imagine it coming true and I think, na, I don’t want to do that again. The phrase, “Been there, done that” comes to mind. I want to add, “not again.”

I don’t know if you can feel it, but I am talking in circles trying not to say what I want to say. I just don’t want it out there yet, because maybe it will happen and I am not ready for it. The universe is definitely taking me for a ride. I can feel this incredible energy around me almost everyday now. I have been rebuilding myself and I can seriously feel it. My light is being exposed again, you know, that high on life thing. I will just stick with it and see what happens I guess. Very hard for me to do. Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. Have a great night!

joyce

Letting go. Why is it so hard? I already know the answer in my heart, can someone make it happen in my head?

I remember when I had to forgive someone, but absolutely, positively, did NOT want to. I am sorry to say, I wanted them to be hurt just like they had hurt me. It’s terrible, sometimes, a vicious circle. Why would that make me feel better anyway? It wouldn’t, plain and simple. It really wouldn’t make me feel better. I would still feel empty. There’s a hole in me that should be filled. I need to fill it, yes, me, no one else can fill the emptiness. Most days, I can! I have no problem filling my days with endless things to do list, especially during the school year. It’s when I have down time, or when it gets dark and it is time for alone time again. I’m with myself all the time! Why do I need alone time? Because I want to be happy being alone. Talking to a friend of mine the other night he said, I hate being alone. All the time he was alone. Don’t get me wrong, I can be alone and not have my world crashing down. Just certain times it gets me worse than other times. Do what makes me, me. Yes, I am experiencing alone, down time right now. I figured writing about it might make me feel better.

This past week I have had incredible energy days, just incredible. Like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. But now, not so much. I am sure I have some kind of personality disorder, but I couldn’t tell you what it is. A former doctor of mine classified it as bipolar disorder. He prescribed medicine. I choose not to take it, why? I explained to Dee tonight. Because I don’t want to miss those incredible high days. The medicine makes everything even, balanced. No highs, no lows. I can do without the lows, but I certainly crave those highs! Here I am writing about addictions again. *insert eye rolling emoji here*

I just want to experience free. It’s my own mind that keeps me captive, I need to control it. I think I am free when those incredible energy days are here, I need more of those days to string together. Yes, more, many more. At least I am having more and more, I want to be free again! Anyway, it’s happening. It is a different kind of strong. He we go.

I hope some of you understand what I am trying to say. I reposted a meme today that describes me exactly. “Please be patient with me. I am either losing my mind or finding my soul.” I am finding my soul for sure, I can feel it.

Have a great night and thanks for reading!