Author: joysha2@aol.com

I can’t believe it, it happened so quick! Yesterday she was in the hospital for pneumonia, today, she’s gone. I guess it was meant to be that way because we didn’t have any time to figure out how to feel, or what to do… I am at a complete loss, I am blown away, freaked out. Here I go again thinking I don’t have any right to mourn, what about her husband? Kids, grandkids! BFF. Mom. Dad. Brother, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles. I feel so awful for them, my heart breaks for their loss. I wasn’t that close to her but I did know her, our babies were born around the same time, they played together when they were young. I talked with her on facebook, but that’s the extent of it, I know her husband pretty well and I really feel bad he lost his love!

What words can you say? I know they all must feel empty, I can’t even imagine, I don’t even want to imagine. I still think of Nichole, and my brother, and my dad. In my mind I run through the list of people I have known who have passed on. My great-great grandmother was the first one, I remember going to her funeral at a very young age. I also remember hearing my parents in the hallway saying, “She has to attend one sooner or later, why not now?” I remember not seeing her chest go up and down, I held my breath when I walked by to pay my last respects, I don’t know why, did I think she would catch it? I was young, didn’t know anything.

The older I get, the more people I mourn. Now the list is so long, I don’t even know if I can remember how many. I just keep thinking, where are they? Are they looking down on us? Are they floating around us watching us? Or are they already in heaven having the time of their souls’ life? Are they hanging out with David Bowie, Robin Williams, John Belushi? What are they thinking? Are they even thinking at all? I know I can “feel” souls around me but that may just be my memories of them, I still feel my brother, he was the closest to me that has passed I guess. Still fresh in my heart.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I should prepare myself for a much bigger bomb. I don’t want to! I don’t want to lose anyone else! I want to really feel every moment I have with every person I am in contact with. My kids today were so great, one little girl came to me and said, “Mrs. Logue, I think you need a hug,” she proceeded to hug me and I gave her a wonderful, endearing hug right back, what a cutie pie she is.

Have a great night, cherish every moment.

Well, tomorrow is December 1st. So many things have been going on in my life, I don’t know where to start. 24 days until Christmas. It just seems so different, I don’t know how to describe it. This past year, I have experienced many lost souls, I don’t know how I became so close to death. I have never really thought about it so much! Missing my brother, Christmas day I am really going to miss him. In the past years his family never really came but he always did. It was nice seeing him. We would joke, do fun things, play the silly games I had ready, eat his deviled eggs (whatever was left that he didn’t eat on the way) and he would endlessly prove why an android phone was better than an iPhone, (funny how he is gone and I am ready to trade in my iPhone for an android!)

The next 24 days will be filled with decorating, baking, shopping, cleaning, wrapping, cooking, ordering, shopping, shopping and shopping. Not shopping at stores,  I tend to overdo it online a lot. They make it so dam easy! Keeping up with the packages and such. I used to send out a newsletter and cards but I don’t anymore, I wish I did. I always got nice responses. But, I still need to do the normal, routine things like food shop, lesson plans, get ready for my kiddos, and everything else. I wish I would just do it (the newsletter and cards). Something else just seems to jump in front, you know, priorities and stuff. So different from when I was a kid, and even when I was a single mom, it was totally different. Even though I worry a lot now, for some reason, I never worried about making sure Ashley had everything. I thank God for that.

Well, off to make my lunch for work tomorrow, dishes and set the coffee maker, you know, priorities. Have a great night!

Remember those mood rings? All my friends and I always had one, as if we needed a color on a ring to inform us of our mood! Too funny! One of my students showed me her new mood necklace awhile back, she was so excited to show me how it worked, and what the colors meant. It was very cute. I shared with her how me and my friends used to have them too. She didn’t seem impressed… until I went out and bought her her very own mood ring! Talk about excitement! She’s a great student, so she deserved her very own present from her teacher. She liked her gift. I know this because she wore it all week long, and let me know when the ring told her she was happy, and excited. I like her, she’s a good girl. She tries, she is beautiful, she is wonderfully behaved, and does all her work without telling her twice. She will go far in life and she will be successful I am sure.

I find it amazing how one little thing can change our mood. The whole day can be happy, good and flowing fine, until that one text, word, or remark can ruin it. I saturate myself with positive thinking and those memes on facebook. The advice goes something like this… “Think positive, don’t let others bring you down, the way you react to bad news determines your thinking and mood” and so on. I read, think and try to not let things bother me, but in fact, they do. It takes time and practice to forget about the things that push my buttons the wrong way. It’s just me. It’s my habit. I worry. I try not to, but I do. I must practice more diligently. Let it go! The frozen princesses even know better than I do! Sometimes (most of the time) I am my own enemy, my brain can mess me up something fierce. My friend Vickie posted last week that she wishes she could turn her brain off like a switch. Wouldn’t that be nice? Especially when we are trying to get some sleep. I vow, right now, to think of something positive as soon as something negative creeps into my brain.

Let’s try to keep that ring a lovely shade of blue! Have a great night everyone, off to heat up turkey leftovers.

It took me awhile to understand this when I was younger. Now, I understand it much better that I am older, I mean “seasoned.” My husband went off to upstate New York for work after dinner tonight. He’s only been gone three hours but I miss him! Is that crazy? I have kept myself busy with bills, schoolwork, trying to straighten up and doing my Sunday night chores, but my mind begins to wander, where’s Bill? “Honey?” I call.  Did he go to bed early? Oops, nope, he went to NY to work. I can make it, it’s only a three-day week anyway, yay! Seriously, this is the best week of the year!

Don’t get me wrong when I write this because I LOVE my weekends. I love the rest, the time I get to catch up on emails, plans, wash, shop, you know, everyday things. But would you believe I end up thinking about my kids at school? Is that crazy? I really do love those kids! Even when they tap the pencil endlessly on the desk, always give me a reason why they can’t do independent work, or can not line up quietly, it really is an impossible task. I have been praying lately just to accept the noise they make all. day. long. I am just a quiet lover. I get my quiet time on the weekends.

Then I get to thinking about Ashley, my daughter. I remember my mom and dad always used to say that they would never hear from me (when I was away) unless I needed money. Now the shoe is on the other foot isn’t it? Her car battery is failing. Last week she needed a jump and now tonight she needed one. I wanted her to get a new battery last week, but nooooo, she didn’t want to do it then. Now, she calls and would like me to add a car battery to her Christmas list and yes, of course, make it closer to a Thanksgiving present. Do people give Thanksgiving presents? I’ve never received one! But, I must admit, I am eternally grateful that I have the money to transfer into her account so she can get a new battery. I can’t imagine having an “extra” hundred dollars at the age of 21. She doesn’t really count though, I miss her all the time, the minute she told me she was moving out, I missed her. She has been my best friend all her life.

Ok then, just missing a few people tonight. I’m going to go spend some time petting my cat, he’s downstairs whining or meowing for me, or my husband, I don’t know. He will just have to spend some time with me. Have a great night everyone.

I often use this word to mean I am bored. Whether I am in class, doing a tedious job, maybe waiting in line with a slow cashier. Truth is, I like being bored. After posting a “boring” video yesterday morning of leaves falling, the leaves looked liked hundreds of butterflies flying every time the wind blew, it was neat. After I watched it again, and shared it with my husband, he noticed we could hear the wind chimes in the video. My “boring” video became peaceful to me. The rest of the weekend, I took notice on how my “boring” moments were peaceful. How could I have been missing this all along? I like peace. I like “boring.” I am glad I noticed the extraordinary in my ordinary life.

I finished my schoolwork early this weekend, so I am off to be bored! Have a boring night everyone!

So, it has started. The Holidays. The seasons. Leaves are turning colors, the air is getting cold, we are gaining an hour of sleep tonight. I am getting better at my lesson plans (finishing in less than 3 hours), traffic is more on the road, more people have already started filling the stores, Black Friday ads are showing already. I knew as soon as Halloween was done, time would speed up considerably, and it has. It’s kind of exciting. I have already bought a few Christmas presents. I am graduating to cash for most people on my list though.

I know I am going to miss my brother coming over. Still missing him, I think I had a dream about him last night. I’m not a dreamer. I don’t remember them. I remember talking to him in my thoughts, I was asking him a question and he went to respond to me but then I lost it. The image and exchange just left my head. I tried to get it back but couldn’t. How is the world still going on with so many people missing?

So many things are changing. Someone once told me, “The only thing you can count on to change is change itself.” I don’t know who or where it was said to me but I remember that. I don’t like change, I want everything to stay the same, or get better. Getting better I can deal with. I think I may start buying lottery tickets. Just so I can pay my credit cards off. It seems to take forever, but I did have some awesome memories with the experiences that those credit cards bought, mostly trips. It was totally worth it, so I’ll just pay them slowly but surely. Maybe I’ll just buy more trips, I actually almost booked a trip to Iceland the other day, but stopped myself because I wasn’t sure if I could be off for the dates I chose. I should just do it, Nike says so, maybe I will.

I hope I’ll be able to relax a bit over these holidays and take it all in, you know, remember better. Every minute I try to etch in my mind.

I kinda hate that word. My computer has been giving me trouble but I always push through it. Today, someone tried to purchase a $335 “Virtual Trainer” on my iTunes account. What a joke! I need one of those! But I certainly did not purchase that! Come to find out, my 7-year-old (ancient now) computer (iMac) is running on a very old system… who cares? just make it run! So, now I have to go through backing everything up so I don’t “lose” it, ha! ha! I can’t find it when I want it so isn’t it lost anyway? Then, back everything up (isn’t that why I put it on a computer to save it????) stupid. Then I can go ahead and fix it with an update to a newer running system…

Anyhow, I wanted to write about my husband, not my computer. Yesterday marked our 11th year anniversary. I like my man. Of course I love him but we say it so much I wanted to emphasize it more. I really do like him as a man. Sure, he can be a pain in the butt, stubborn to no end but his pros out number his cons. He is a good-looking guy (as I’ve been told, but I knew that, why do you think I was attracted to him at first?), he puts up with my egocentric ways, he does his best, he helps a ton around the house (my ultimate favorite feature), and he is a killer landscaper for our huge yard. He is a great gardener of vegetables and flowers (love!!!) and he isn’t scared of preparing a meal for me. This weekend we had a grand ole time in Atlantic City, NJ. It’s really a mini NY, but a million times smaller. We ate, had a few drinks, gambled a few dollars, spent time on the beach, boardwalk, and had an outrageous dinner last night. It was a very nice time. I love you babe. You are indeed my soul mate.

Now it’s time to go back to work. Homework sheets, lesson plans and other tedious yet needed to be done chores. Hope the rain stops soon, it seems to tire me out lately. Have a great night everyone! Steelers will be on in a minute and I will lose his attention completely.

 

Yesterday I posted about how sad I was feeling. Not minutes later did I get an invitation from a trusted, wonderful, peaceful friend to go out for tacos. It came from an out of the blue comment on a Facebook post, but sure ended up to make me feel better, thanks Mindy! I now have plans to meet a good friend for a visit next week. Sure made me feel good. An hour later, my excellent, work out friend Kathy messaged me saying she wished my blogs were longer! She is a lover of books, she loves to read. To me, it was a compliment. I’m always thinking I bore people with my words, and she made me feel like my words were important, and touched people. This made me happy. I smiled. Then, I get a message from my beautiful, wonderful daughter. So down in the dumps and these little pieces of love came tunneling through and gave me a bit of light. I love these people in my life and I thank God He put them there. I also received two sympathy cards in the mail today from two friends from my old school who aren’t even on Facebook! I wonder, how did they know? They felt so driven to send me a card, they looked up my address, wrote out a card, and mailed it to me! I was touched, it truly touched my heart for me to consider they cared about me so much to do that. I also appreciate my childhood friends, Kathleen and Deirdre who came to the viewing and funeral. Deirdre not only came, but she stayed by my side the whole time. I don’t know how else to show my appreciation but to share with you. I thank every one of you from the bottom of my heart for the kind words and thoughtful prayers you all have sent. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. When it seems there is no hope, there is. Somewhere between the Facebook posts, and the bills in the mail, there is love and hope.

I don’t know what to write. I just feel empty. I don’t understand why my brother’s death is effecting me this way. I feel sad, deep down. When my dad died, I was sad, but it just didn’t effect me the same way this is. Maybe it’s because my dad lived a long life? He died of natural causes? My brother was too young, and it was a terrible, sudden death. Maybe that’s what I’m having trouble with.

I went to a Grief Share group last night at my church. It was good. I always feel like I am a Debbie Downer when I talk about him. These people listened and heard me. They felt what I am feeling. They lost their sons, daughters, husbands and wives. Their stories were sad, they were missing their person so much, after years too. Maybe I am experiencing my numbness still. It’s still fresh in my mind. It’s only been two weeks, I am too hard on myself.

It has made some changes in my life. I make sure to call my mom whenever I feel like it, only when I think she is sleeping I won’t. During the group last night, they showed a video of people that were constantly asking themselves questions like they could have stopped the death. Such as “What if I hadn’t let her go out that night?” “Maybe I should have called the doctor sooner? Then she wouldn’t have died!” I do realize that our days are numbered. There is nothing we can do to change that. It will happen when it is supposed too, I just have to make the best of my time now with the people I love. It is so cliche’ but it is true. I stop and think what I am doing more now. Except with the kids, things are running to fast the week before Halloween… but I’m trying. If it wasn’t for those kids of mine (and the parents who have been very sympathetic which touches my heart) I would really be running on empty! The kids are really off the wall this week, but somehow, I manage. I am too busy at work to stop and think about my brother, Brian. I need a picture of him on my desk to stop and realize my days are numbered with my kids too.

Have a good night everyone, I hope I didn’t “down” anyone! Go enjoy some time with your loved ones….

In a way, I do have writer’s block. I can’t decide what to write about, I have so many thoughts running through my mind, I can’t decide what to publish.

Silence is deafening. Everyone is gone. Older brother and his family are on their way back to Missouri, nephew and his mom on way back to Florida. My stepdaughter and boyfriend have moved out. Mom is back at her apartment in the retirement home. The house is silent except for the ticking clock on the wall.  Here, alone, I sit and try to make my way back to my everyday, routine life. Lesson plans, homework packs, laundry, food shop, mom’s prescriptions. I didn’t talk to my brother everyday, but it still seems weird when I think about him, I have to remind myself, he is not at work, trying to provide for his family. He is not at the end of that group family chat. He won’t answer my text telling him how we are going to help mom, he won’t answer the phone when my mom wanted him to come unclog her toilet Saturday. He won’t answer the phone if I asked him to come help my husband with the leaky bathroom faucet. I just hope and think he is at peace. He doesn’t have to worry about all this everyday, routine stuff. That is my only saving grace about his death. He is finally free from all the things that burden us, everyday.

Well, I must still carry burdens and try to get ready to reenter life as I know it. Onward! I would also like to thank everyone that came out to bid my brother farewell. Other posts to thank those certain individuals will come later. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers, I really appreciate it beyond measure, thank you.