Month: December 2017

I have been depressed lately. I’ve also had time to think about why. Christmas will never be the same. When I was younger, my dad, my brother, and every other family member was there. Over the years, some have drifted away, some have passed away, those childhood times of my brother on his new chopper bicycle, my sister with her new dress mom had sewn by hand, and my Mrs. Beasley doll. My other brother with his goofy grin and black heavy rimmed glasses, sneaking around the house looking for presents, you know. Well, at least I hope you have memories like that. Even when I was a single mom, I had to hide, wrap, hide again presents from Ashley to keep Santa alive as long as I could until I could explain in full detail of his existence. I realized it just won’t ever be the same. It’s kind of depressing. I can’t relive those times. It’s hard to recreate it all.

Today was Ashley’s 22nd birthday. I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I promised her at a very young age, I wanted to make her birthday present (since it was so close to Christmas) an “experience present” every time, every year, so I wouldn’t be tempted to rewrap a Christmas present in birthday paper. Tonight I took her to see a show called STOMP. A very energetic broadway show of sight, sound, rhythm and beat. These talented people make ordinary things come alive and turn it into an extraordinary show. Everything from newspaper, matches, Zippo lighters, trash cans and their lids, brooms, broomsticks, shopping carts and water bottles come alive! It is a very entertaining show. They even throw some super comedy in which makes me forget things for awhile, it is super enjoyable. I can just image myself sitting there with nothing to do and find a gum wrapper and start crinkling it, and noticing it makes a sound, which I could turn into a beat. I imagine this might be how this show started. Tonight as I look back on our “experience birthday” this year, I realize I feel better. I think it’s just the simple fact that Ashley chose to spend time with me, her mommy. That makes my heart happy. I also just realized maybe that was just the experience I needed to push me back into happy land. Remembering the times we’ve spent together on her birthdays.

I know it’s cliche by now, but really just enjoy time with your loved ones. These are the times we will want to recreate when we can’t. I love you Ashley, I hope you had a great birthday today and tonight, thank you for spending time with me, I love you very much.

Mommy

Do rude people know they are being rude? I don’t think so. Can they be so oblivious as to how they treat people? I must say a couple of days before Christmas I did have to run out and pick up a few things that I had forgotten. As I was trying to squeeze past another shopper in the aisle, I excused myself and smiled. The other shopper who was also trying to get past the oblivious one, smiled at me and said “Merry Christmas!” She meant it, she wasn’t trying to be sarcastic, of course I smiled back and said, “Thank you, Merry Christmas to you also!” I understood she had been raised with social skills, and I felt a tinge of merriness as I continued to remember my list of things not to forget.

I host Christmas at our house. My mom taught me how to be a gracious hostess. I feel everyone should have something to commemorate the occasion. I always have small gifts on hand, extra food, an extra something “just in case”. My husband says, everyone doesn’t need a gift if they come. I am a very spiritual person and I know Christmas isn’t all about the presents. But, it’s a nice gesture, a candy bar, a pair of fuzzy socks, a small gift card inside a Christmas card. Something. Just to know I thought about you.

Social skills are something that is taught. If you don’t know what fork to use, it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings if you use the wrong fork. But bringing something for the hostess, a dish to share, a smile, a small token, card or conversation always helps. It shows appreciation for the time spent trying to make sure your time is well spent. I understand if money is tight, I know the feeling. It doesn’t cost anything to have a great conversation and compliment someone on a job well done. Rudeness doesn’t do this, lack of social skills. I just pray and hope that it doesn’t carry on to the next generation.

It was so much easier when we were kids. I didn’t have to remember directions, to turn off the lights, to close the refrigerator door, pay the electric bill, get gas in the car. I thank God I had parents that did that for me. I am blessed to have had a set of great, responsible parents, they created a wonderful, meaningful family and childhood for me.

I’m feeling sad, or just melancholy today. Maybe it’s because of the snow and my brother has been on my mind. Seeing the Christmas lights in the snow is just beautiful and it brings back my childhood memories. In my mind, it was a white Christmas every year. It probably wasn’t but that really doesn’t matter does it? If I remember it that way, it must’ve been. I remember always going over my Aunt Edythe and Uncle John’s house in Robbinsville, NJ on Christmas Eve. I always remember my dad asking my mom if she wanted to take the long way home to see more Christmas lights in the snow. It always seemed the same amount of time but it was different on Christmas Eve. Us kids would lay down looking up through the back of the station wagon looking for Santa and his reindeer. Every plane in the sky had my dad yelling, “There he is! There he is!” I would usually question why Santa had lights on his sleigh. My dad would always have an answer for me, so the planes wouldn’t crash into him, so he could see where he was going… and so on. Whatever answer my dad gave me I accepted as the God’s honest truth. Him and my mom were probably laughing their butts off over me and my questions.

It just seemed easier back then. The golden days. If you have young children, make it easy for them, teach them well, they will always remember now for years to come. Make it easy for them.

I can’t believe it, it happened so quick! Yesterday she was in the hospital for pneumonia, today, she’s gone. I guess it was meant to be that way because we didn’t have any time to figure out how to feel, or what to do… I am at a complete loss, I am blown away, freaked out. Here I go again thinking I don’t have any right to mourn, what about her husband? Kids, grandkids! BFF. Mom. Dad. Brother, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles. I feel so awful for them, my heart breaks for their loss. I wasn’t that close to her but I did know her, our babies were born around the same time, they played together when they were young. I talked with her on facebook, but that’s the extent of it, I know her husband pretty well and I really feel bad he lost his love!

What words can you say? I know they all must feel empty, I can’t even imagine, I don’t even want to imagine. I still think of Nichole, and my brother, and my dad. In my mind I run through the list of people I have known who have passed on. My great-great grandmother was the first one, I remember going to her funeral at a very young age. I also remember hearing my parents in the hallway saying, “She has to attend one sooner or later, why not now?” I remember not seeing her chest go up and down, I held my breath when I walked by to pay my last respects, I don’t know why, did I think she would catch it? I was young, didn’t know anything.

The older I get, the more people I mourn. Now the list is so long, I don’t even know if I can remember how many. I just keep thinking, where are they? Are they looking down on us? Are they floating around us watching us? Or are they already in heaven having the time of their souls’ life? Are they hanging out with David Bowie, Robin Williams, John Belushi? What are they thinking? Are they even thinking at all? I know I can “feel” souls around me but that may just be my memories of them, I still feel my brother, he was the closest to me that has passed I guess. Still fresh in my heart.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I should prepare myself for a much bigger bomb. I don’t want to! I don’t want to lose anyone else! I want to really feel every moment I have with every person I am in contact with. My kids today were so great, one little girl came to me and said, “Mrs. Logue, I think you need a hug,” she proceeded to hug me and I gave her a wonderful, endearing hug right back, what a cutie pie she is.

Have a great night, cherish every moment.

Well, tomorrow is December 1st. So many things have been going on in my life, I don’t know where to start. 24 days until Christmas. It just seems so different, I don’t know how to describe it. This past year, I have experienced many lost souls, I don’t know how I became so close to death. I have never really thought about it so much! Missing my brother, Christmas day I am really going to miss him. In the past years his family never really came but he always did. It was nice seeing him. We would joke, do fun things, play the silly games I had ready, eat his deviled eggs (whatever was left that he didn’t eat on the way) and he would endlessly prove why an android phone was better than an iPhone, (funny how he is gone and I am ready to trade in my iPhone for an android!)

The next 24 days will be filled with decorating, baking, shopping, cleaning, wrapping, cooking, ordering, shopping, shopping and shopping. Not shopping at stores,  I tend to overdo it online a lot. They make it so dam easy! Keeping up with the packages and such. I used to send out a newsletter and cards but I don’t anymore, I wish I did. I always got nice responses. But, I still need to do the normal, routine things like food shop, lesson plans, get ready for my kiddos, and everything else. I wish I would just do it (the newsletter and cards). Something else just seems to jump in front, you know, priorities and stuff. So different from when I was a kid, and even when I was a single mom, it was totally different. Even though I worry a lot now, for some reason, I never worried about making sure Ashley had everything. I thank God for that.

Well, off to make my lunch for work tomorrow, dishes and set the coffee maker, you know, priorities. Have a great night!